Yesterday was tricksy. It was the first anniversary in which Vinnie has been dead. It took me a while to write that sentence, I wanted to say "Vinnie was with the Angels", but that is a euphemism meant to make the fact of Vince's death less painful to see in writing. Yet, it's true, he's one of my Guardian Angels now.
Now I know there are those who do not believe in that. And there is the distinct possibility that I believe because I WANT to believe, because it is comforting to believe that he is with me still, is with all of us who loved him. In the same way I believe in the Rainbow Bridge, I believe I shall see him again.
I guess that proves that I count our Animal friends as important as our human friends. I shall see them all again, in the great by and by. It's taken me a bit of a while to write this. There is much sorrow, still much anger, and now I find that there are regrets.
As often as we say to ourselves --nay, as often as I have told myself that I shall not make the same mistakes, I find -in hindsight- that I did. I made the same mistake, and I have made this painful one thrice.
And as I am want, I find a smidge of dark humor in my grief, and in my exploration of it. I am now -in some Churches- a blasphemer! In the same umbrella of Christianity, I would be stoned, or burned at the stake as a witch, or tossed in the pond with stones clutched to my breast knowing the proof of my non-witchiness was my death by drowning. How droll! I believe that Animals and Trees and Plants and even Rocks have Souls, have personaility, have intelligence, and were created by the same Source as I. Are thus deserving of the same basic respect. HA! Ah well, so be it.
But Halloween was my Anniversary (see above, I am STILL irreverant!) and my first Anniversary as a widow. And November First was All Saint's Day, when the Catholic Church Honors all the Saints of History. But November 2nd is the day I get confused with. This is All Souls Day, when we hold our Ancestors and Those Who Have Passed close to our hearts, the day when we Remember. In Mexico, and in many of the Catholic countries of South America, All Souls Day is a time of Gifting, of sharing memories, of Celebrations of Life. In Cancun, we all danced in the streets, like Carnivale, a festival time, irreverant, smiling and joyous of memory of those people who look over our shoulders from beyond the veil. (Another interesting euphemism) I baked sweets for the children, and helped prepare the evening meal for my roomies. And then I partied like it was 1983. (which it was)
When I moved to Oregon, I lost Grammy's ashes for some months before I could find the box her box was in. So I have her ashes in my breakfront, her very favorite piece of furniture. It's in my dining room, where she can be with me.
So as I remember these two very important people in my life, I also have to face the mistakes I made. The times when I was frustrated and not kind. The times when I was neglectful. The times when I was distant. The things I could have done better. I am trying hard to forgive myself for the unkind moments I allowed myself with both of these people. Despite my excuses and my reasons, the fact remains, that if I am ever in the position again, I hope I remember writing this. I hope I remember the sleepless nights I have tossed and turned through berating myself for my times of frustration and my unkindness.
I'm reading a very interesting book called "The Bitch, The Crone, and the Harlot" I resisted for a few months, because I found those terms oddly offensive. But I went ahead, and I am reading it, and I have found -besides Ms Schachterle's use of those three terms, chosen on purpose- much to learn within its pages. I will try to remember. I will hold my memories close to my heart. I will learn from my mistakes, and embrace the lessons.
And here, on this windy November morning, the sharp wind picks up the fountain's small geyser and casts it sideways. The water resumes its' carressing of the concrete figure in its' path, the form of a maiden water bearer. I wonder if there's a lesson there?
May all your Blessings not have to wait until Thanksgiving to be present in your life.