Still

I watched a group of lovely women gather, good friends since the 80's they told me And they laughed and chattered and giggled like school children and oh.... my .... God... I was so jealous. So I offered to take their picture as  group, knowing the small kindness would help ease my sorrow. And it did.

I'm coming up on my 16th anniversary. And two weeks after that, the .. *anniversary* -what a terrible word- of my husband's death.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooiZUzHEYNk

And oh my God I miss him. He left me, sneaking out in the middle of the night like a coward, like a little boy sneaking back home to his Mama who will tell him how evil I was, how I poisoned him. How I was his killer. And that was his pattern, leaving every five or seven years in the middle of the night with a note,... I was his Good Bye Girl, and damn me to Hell, I was absolutely incapable of saying NO to my Love, to my Heart to my Soul... And now that he's gone, with no closure.. every year around this time my heart gets yanked out of me and ground down into the dust of .. what. Loneliness? Is that all it is?

So never tell me how sad your life is because you do not have someone to support you. Never say that. You  who have your special someone, you have your Family, you have a support group which you have built from your childhood ...

Mine are all behind me. Lost lost thousands of miles south, my Family, my Tribe.

And I know I'm going to die just like my Grammy. Alone. Lonely. Heart sick with a brave face and a smile plastered across my my cheeks .. No No, I'm cool, I'm OK. See? I'm smiling. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aqS6LoBa_nQ

and my words will not linger past the last dead leaf swept into the gutter.

=^,,^=